An interesting thing that happens once you get published is friends, colleagues, family members, neighbors, and even strangers come out of the woodwork to confess they also wrote a novel, or their husband also wrote a novel, or they’re working on a novel and wonder if you have some advice.
Sometimes, that’s a disastrous lead-in to asking you to read said novel or novel-in-progress, a situation that cannot end well. But if it’s not a pretext for that, hey, why not share some bits of wisdom? We writers do it all the time. It’s become something of an industry really – the “how to write a best seller” book – which, in today’s oversaturated publishing market, eventually will probably lead to endless blogs and books on how to write a how to write book.
So here I am jumping on that bandwagon, but just for the ridiculous fun of it rather than to style myself as a writing guru. Recently, loathsome author Jonathan Franzen wrote a 10 Rules for Novelists piece at Literary Hub, which was somewhat of an inspiration point for me. You can read some other authors’ snarky responses on Twitter in this article in the Guardian here.
I’d argue probably the very best advice for writers came from W. Somerset Maugham, or at least it’s so frequently attributed to him, people have given up fact-checking the matter. The leads must’ve gone cold quite awhile ago considering he’s dead. Anyway, by popular consensus, Maugham famously quipped:
“There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”
I’ve never actually read anything by Maugham, but if he did come up with that unassailable assessment, I probably should. On the other hand, that kind of tip-giving is no fun when you could instead show off your arrogance or cleverness or gleeful irreverency by publishing a top ten list of your own. Here’s Chuck Wendig’s homespun list (and he’s not a tool):
6. characters poop plot
7. maybe try saying something more than just what’s just on the page, like, a lot of story is unseen
8. writing advice is bullshit; bullshit can fertilize
9. eat bees?
10a. fuck, I dunno, nobody knows what the hell they’re doing
10b. have you tried napping— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) November 15, 2018
Now I’m no Chuck Wendig. Just check out my book sales if you don’t believe me. Or, compare our number of Twitter followers, or see how many hits our websites get, or see the reaction of your local bookseller when you drop both of our names into conversation. It will shock and depress you. So that’s actually #i on my Ten Essential Rules for Writers List: Don’t compare yourself to Chuck Wendig.
But I am still a writer, goddammit. Let’s give credit where credit’s due. I’ve written eight novels (with varying results), and some of my titles have been runners-up at awards programs, and I was once recognized by a reader on the street. So yes, over the years, I’ve acquired some useless things to say on this subject. Thusly, for all the writers out there, and wanne be writers out there, I give you these gems that have served me well:
- Do not ever agree to read someone else’s work for the purposes of giving advice. Don’t give advice. Just don’t. Unless you want to be a very lonely person.
- Bad habits complement a writer’s lifestyle very well. Have you considered taking up smoking? A porn addiction? Really any bad habit that will plunge you deeper into alienation and self-loathing will do.
- When you find you’re repeating the same words and phrases in your manuscript, you may actually be on to something. Laziness and overextertion are possibilities, but let’s try to stay positive. My favorite overused words and phrases are: “abundant,” “strategoi,” and “he grinned.” Not so terrible, right? Season your manuscript judiciously with your darlings, and if no one else wants to eat it, well, there’s more for you.
- Some say: write drunk, edit sober. I actually favor the opposite. It helps take the edge off of rereading my work.
- If at all possible, do not tell people you are a writer. No interesting conversation ever follows that disclosure. Really, it’s just awkward all around.
- The Internet is your friend. Your only friend. The kind of friend who exposes all your vulnerabilities publically, calls you in the middle of the night to bail them out of jail after starting a bar fight, persuades you to try all the latest, worthless fads for improving your life, and is short on money when the restaurant bill arrives. Parental controls aren’t a bad idea.
- Find time to wallow in self-pity. An Australian Shiraz and The Real Housewives of Orange County pair well.
- If you must write in first-person, present, try not to be too transparent about the fact you’re really writing about yourself. We can see you behind the elf ears and leather leggings.
- Font choice can make all the difference.
- Finally, and really my only serious piece of advice: Be nice to other writers. It costs you nothing.
